This Little Miracle

I suppose it's about time I begin blogging again. With such a big transition coming, there couldn't be a better time. I am sure that most everyone knows this by now, but in case you haven't heard, Eric and I are expecting a baby. My due date is December 9th. We couldn't be more excited for this new adventure! Before I begin, I want to acknowledge that our story is one story, of many. I know many people whose stories have been very different from ours, and some whose stories have shared some similarities. I believe our stories intersect for reasons, that we learn from one another, as I have learned from many. Even as I write this, I am aware that some people are sitting in the saddest part of their story, and I pray this brings hope.

This story, like so many others, is one of redemption and restoration. Of pain and beauty. I suppose it started years ago. One thing I always knew I wanted in life is to be a mom. It was such an exciting, crucial moment when we decided that it was time to give it a go. It's pretty safe to say that Eric and I both come from fertile families. So, we weren't surprised when we got pregnant right away! Immediately we began hoping and dreaming about who that little one would become. It wasn't long before my pregnancy was cut short. In those short weeks, we began to picture how our lives would change. We began to dream about our lives with this new little person and then suddenly, that dream was gone and it was replaced with emptiness. In our grieving, a tiny seed of hope was planted and that hope began to grow over the following months.

We waited a few months before we decided to start trying again. Remembering how quickly we were able to conceive the first time around, in the back of my mind I thought that it would happen just like that again. This began the waiting game. The roller coaster. The series of months of getting our hopes up, only to be dashed. Who knew that the stars had to be perfectly aligned in order for this little miracle to happen?

On April 2nd, we found out that it had indeed happened. I was very hesitant to get excited at first. I didn't want the roller coaster of emotion that I had gone through the last time. Actually, for the first three months or so, I was very cautious. To be honest, I was flat out afraid that it was going to happen again. That again, my dream wasn't going to come true. But with every week, I continued to be pregnant.

At week 7, I went in for my first ultrasound. As the technician was focused on the little bean growing in me, I noticed that there was a tiny area on the screen that was wobbling in a repeated pattern. My first thought was "is that the heart beating?" Of course, I didn't want to look like an idiot if it wasn't, so I didn't say anything. Then the technician asked, "do you see the heart beating?" I said "yes" and I laughed and I cried. I realized that the tiny amoeba-shaped baby inside of me was fighting for it's life! I prayed in that moment that he (or she) would continue to fight for his (or her) life. And I promised that I would do the same. Around 12 weeks Eric and I heard the heartbeat for the first time and it was AMAZING! Even now, I find that the stretches in between hearing the tangible truth that our baby is indeed doing alright in there get a little too long. I am finding that the most valuable lesson that I am learning right now is that I cannot control this. It is the lesson that I have to learn over and over and over again. That I am not in control. And that I need to trust the One who IS. As my stomach becomes more round, I am reminded daily that this is actually happening, and of what a gift this whole process is.

Here's a few pics of the bump.

At the beach at 11 weeks.

12 and a half weeks.

16 weeks.

This experience has been an amazing one so far. I am happy to report that I lucked out when it comes first trimester symptoms. No morning sickness, really. I had about a month of what I call "grumpy gut" where my stomach just felt off, but no nausea and no vomiting- well except for that time that someone left milk tipped over to spoil in the bottom of our mini fridge at work and I ended up cleaning it. I definitely threw up in my mouth a little. But, I would have done that whether I was pregnant or not. The only other symptom from Tri-One was SLEEPINESS! I was so tired and lethargic all the time. The first month I was keeping up my normal pace at work because school was still in and it was SO HARD! I started going to bed at 9pm every night. Oh- and I suppose the emotional attacks would count as a symptom too. :-) Eric can tell you all about that.

I had some food aversions- first coffee, then salad, then chocolate. And I have had one significant craving. HAMBURGERS! I have probably had more hamburgers in the last 2 months than I have had in the last 5 years. A couple of months ago at 9 am, I texted Eric, "I need a cheeseburger." We BBQ'd that night.

I suppose that is enough for now. I'm 18 weeks today and we have our ultrasound next week, so it's time to start making your gender predictions. Your votes must be in by Tuesday at 3:00 pm. People keep asking me what gender I think the baby is. I actually have no preference, nor do I have an inkling one way or the other. I just want to know!

I'll try to keep this blog up from here on out. Thanks for taking the time to get through this. See you next week!